why my mother made me

SeaWorld


After watching Penn point at fish in a restaurant aquarium for 2 hours straight, we decided it would be a good idea to take him to SeaWorld. I have one pro and one con to offer - aside from the obvious amazement in Shamu's new baby and the necessary evil that is Florida tourism*

Pro - God bless them for putting a baby changing station in every single male bathroom on the grounds. Mike and I try to adhere to a ping-pong style of wiping Penn's dirty butt. Sometimes there are exceptions like Mike having 2 poops in a row and me sliding in on his turn to offer some relief (I think it's fair to say 5 pees is still better than 3 poops) but when we are out in public, it is usually a one sided match. I am the only butt-wiper because there is no place for Mike to comfortably go. No one wants a 6"4' man in the ladies room, even if he is stunningly attractive like my husband. This last outing to SeaWorld was the first and possibly last time for a while that Mike and I will be able to trade off. This is my formal offer of a plea bargain to the public restroom people... Give moms a break and we will be more apt to keep the poop bomb diaper out of your public trash can.

Con - A tortilla, shredded iceberg lettuce and pale pink tomatoes will never constitute a suitable "veggie wrap".  I know that overpriced theme park food is one step above eating at the hospital, but how can you live with yourself by offering a vegetarian option whose only two ingredients, one of which is technically a fruit, have the lowest nutritional value off all vegetables? It's 2011, SeaWorld. I'm not asking for seitan cutlets or stuffed acorn squash but even slow food chains such as Chili's, home of b-b-b-Baby Back Bibs (frozen on arrival) offer a black bean burger option. I'm guessing your average vegan doesn't jump up one morning and decide to drop 80 bucks on an all year pass to Anheuser Busch's corporate step-child, SeaWorld, but times have changed (and people have seen Food Inc.). Not all tourists are satisfied with a 20 dollar turkey leg and an 8 dollar Diet Pepsi. Although the turkey legs remind me of being 7 and going to the Renaissance Festival (which was a one time thing, don't judge), Pepsi, in any form is never acceptable. Step up your food game.

*Captivity was a con until I saw some tore-up Sea Lions who were once stuck in a dam and facing "euthanasia". SeaWorld was the only place that would take them in. It's not the best life, but they're trying.



Penn in the Soak Zone